“Wand At The Ready: A look into the release of the highly anticipated ‘Hairy Cooter" series.

Article by Broth Munkspore

In a world of literary classics…Aesop's Fables…The Chronicles of Narnia… Dr. Seuss…and the Izbekistan Sports Almanac of 1964, we must add what may become the greatest written work since Don Quixote…the Hairy Cooter series. Children with wild imaginations and big dreams will bask in the magic of these books…literally. Written by acclaimed author Compton Watts, the story of Hairy Cooter takes the reader on a magical adventure through beautiful South-Central Los Angeles, where our hero turns an angry cheek to the filth of the world by spelling doom to all the suckas. Having dropped out of school in the 2nd grade, Hairy turns to the streets, where songs of anger and hatred are showered upon him by fancy car-driving yuppie bastards who think their shit don't stink. Determined to stamp his mark on society and give everybody the attitude adjustment they so sorely deserve, Hairy enters the Analwarts school of Bitchcraft and Misery to expound upon his thirst for the knowledge he will need to peform his magic. Armed with a 15-inch-long, chromed wand, with his mother's severed middle fingers at its core, Hairy embarks upon the world-changing adventure that lies ahead of him. Children all over the world will be inspired to follow in the footsteps of this literary giant.

Below is a list of spells that Hairy will perform throughout the first book, "Hairy Cooter And The Stoned Sorcerer":

Arses Cranium- makes the enemy shove their head up their ass.
Asscaboombus- gives the enemy a big, fat ass.
Bresticulum- turns the enemy's tits inside out.
Bungluzio- super-glues your enemy's asshole shut.
Cumatunga- turns the enemy's saliva into semen.
Cuntifulis- turns the enemy's penis into a happy-gash.
Driviculo- forces the enemy to drive their car into a frickin' bridge stanchion.
Dungo Cunsumio- makes the enemy "dump and dine".
Ennimalardum- causes the enemy to crap their britches.
Equinainis- turns the enemy's face into a horse's ass.
Fallatio- forces the enemy to open their mouth and expect company.
Fuqamelon- causes the enemy to experience copious amounts of anal pain.
Gonadalastix- stretches the enemy's testicles to their shins.
Gufugaselfio- makes the enemy reach for the nearest cucumber and jar of vasoline.
Hanjobikate- makes the enemy fondle your rocks.
Hydrus Anvilum- blows boiling water out of the enemy's ears.
Impidenta- turns the enemy's penis into a licorice wand.
Infesticus- infects the enemy with every STD know to mankind.
Jambarda- forces the enemy to shove a wet finger in a light socket.
Jocklosicus- shrinks the enemy's penis to a wee nub.
Kisabiggin- forces the enemy to be sexually aroused by fat, ugly bitches.
Kowabunga- makes the enemy want more fat, ugly bitches.
Licifido- forces the enemy to suck the nuts of a Rottweiller.
Labiatoxis- turns the enemy's mouth into a stanky she-bush.
Machos Gripsus- makes the enemy grope a sweaty construction worker.
Masterbatoro- forces the enemy to whip it out and spunk on his lunch.
Ni Ni Ni- makes the enemy cower in fear.
Nozis Craporum- fills the enemy's sinuses with stinky-ass cat crap.
Ostrifekus- makes the enemy shit ostrich eggs for 16 hours.
Oralfikulum- makes the enemy's mouth taste like ASS!
Panzi Flirticus- turns the enemy into a flamboyant gay in front of hot babes.
Penacnium- covers the enemy's penis with zits.
Queezicis- makes the enemy puke in a girl's mouth when they kiss.
Quame Brownorum- keelz the enemy's basketball skeelz.
Recticulum- makes the enemy anal-bust himself on a fire hydrant.
Rijigonis- makes the enemy's boner go bye-bye when he's with his bitch.
Scrotomora- turns the enemy's nuts into 10 lb. lead weights.
Silensico- forces the enemy to swallow his own head, thus, shutting him the hell up.
Testiculus- blows off the enemy's testicles, M-80 style.
Tungalikanus- pulls the enemy's tongue down his throat and out of his ass.
Upsis Yorsis- forces the enemy to shove his fist up his ass and lick his fingers.
Urinbidento- makes everything the enemy eats taste like piss.
Vagis Tunorum- makes any happy-gash the enemy licks taste like rotten tuna.
Vocamunchkis- makes the enemy sound like a Lollypop Kid when hitting on a hot babe.
Waxonicus- turns the enemy into Ralph Machio.
Wetawinkum- makes the enemy piss in his beer while flirting with chicks.
Xpunkulate- turns the enemy's cum-sack into cement.
Xtra Fecalportis- turns the enemy's mouth into a fully functional asshole.
Yoosicuntum- makes "you're a cunt" the enemy's only pick-up line.
Yupiskis- makes the enemy's kisses taste like skunk piss.
Zigzoficlif- forces the enemy to drive, screaming, into a deep, death-hungry gorge.
Zoology- forces the enemy to pursue a STUPID-ass career.

…and many, many more.

Enjoy this read. I give it 5 out of 5 stars, only because I can't give it 6. I think you'll enjoy this book, and much like myself, look forward to the second book, "Hairy Cooter And The Secret Fag-Chamber Smackdown"

(Phallus Pugwhiff contributed to this article)

Just DIE!!!

Hello? Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Testing. I don't hear anything. Is there a switch or something? Here's one. TESTING! Ah, there we go.

Welcome in. Grab a handfull of cheese doodles and a beer. Not THAT beer. Yeah, that one's Ok. Take a seat and enjoy the entertainment.

Tonight, I would like to formally announce that the world sucks. Actually, that's not accurate. The PEOPLE in the world are what's really fucked up. And boy, are there plenty of them. I would like to share with you some of the annoyances that I've encountered over the past few, um...days, let's call it...that have me wishing that these people had had parents who's medical plans included abortion.

First of all, I'd like to talk about the fuck-stick who insists on turning left from a "straight or right turn only" lane. What the fuck is that all about? There I am, in my proper lane, ready to obey traffic laws, when I'm cut off by some dorky looking office nut who can't remember how to get to work without putting his newspaper down. Is the news that enlightening? What happened yesterday that you didn't hear about, that's so fucking important that you need to bone up for the daily conversation around the water cooler? Here's a conversation for you, you prick, "Hey, guys. Have you seen my new ride? It's brand new. It's got GPS, a CD player, four-wheel steering, and this awesome streak of fucked up blue paint down the left side from the Honda I banged into this morning". Here's an idea...fuck the paper and use that GPS. Then you'll get to work without sharing that shit-colored, high-gloss paint with somebody elses blue Honda.

How was that Jack? JACK, WAS THAT OK? Great. I'm ready for the crowd. What time do we start? What was that? Oh, 7 o'clock. Good, I've got time to take a dump. Where's the newspaper?